Love story

A short tale about the realization of inner love, the source of true love.

At first, she treated me with great affection.
So my affection for her grew, and grew.
Even when I tried to stop it, I was unable.
Because I noticed that my attempt made her suffer.
When I tried to be distant, I saw her with her head down, and I could not bear it.

Eventually my affection for her overwhelmed me.
Occupying my mind, my thoughts, my being.
I used to imagine sharing with her every moment, every experience. I’m in love with her, clearly.
So I could not hide my great affection anymore.

But it happened that she had already changed her mind.
She had already decided to restrain her affection for me, because it was not convenient for her.
What I had not been able to do, was no problem for her.
So she rejected me, without any care.
And his dealings with me became formal, polite, correct … cold. No more affection from her.
We distance ourselves. We did not see each other anymore.

However, I wrote to her from time to time.
I wrote it with tenderness, with affection, opening my soul, as always.
But she always responded intellectually, analytically, with distance.

One night, after reading his cold reply, I realized that I was happy.
How was it possible?
She no longer offered me any affection, but even so, the mere mental contact, through e-mails, from a long distance, made me happy.
Then I realized that the happiness I felt was not produced by her.
It were impossible, because she was closed to me, she was not giving anything, anymore, to me.

Where did that happiness come from?
Focusing my attention carefully on the sensation, I saw it flowing from me. From within,
There was no reason for such happiness, even so there it was, subtle, but real, as if there was still mutual affection.

I realized then that I could live, feel, that state, a state of love-happiness, independently, by myself. She was not producing it, no longer, no more, never more.
She had only opened a door to my inner source of love; and I could keep the door open, even though she no longer loved me.

Thus, currently I remain in love, happy. But not in love for her, I’m in love. Within love.
And I stopped writing her. I no longer need her. I do not bother her anymore.

The inner reality of love can be recognized only by love. Hans Urs von Balthasar

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Relationship levels

Evolution of our relationships

Relationships are needs in life. They are the means for achieve things, as personal affirmation and fulfillment. Also they give us work, money, influence, etc. So, at first stage, relationships are means for achieve something for me, is basically a egocentric relationship. People are worthy if they give me something that I expect, otherwise, they are worthless or even enemies. 

After, when the person achieve a more developed awareness of himself, when he starts to live not based on comparatives with others, not for appearances, but live in live, then the human relationship starts to live as a valuable exchange: I’m sharing my knowledge,  with others, and together we create new knowledge, and I become better with this exchange. And the same with feelings: exchanging them with compatible persons enriches me as a person. 

But it can come a later stage in which I realize human relationships can be something more important, with a different aim: is a mean for to express my qualities helping to other persons. Then they becomes an action without expectations, we don’t wait for any payment, is a way for to express my intelligence, my energy, my love. My social awareness progress.

Seems as a sort of evolution: first we start egocentric oriented, then we pass through a more balanced phase between me and the other, then we simply give ourselves to the others without later reward.  This evolution must be a result of having better self awareness, never must be something imposed, otherwise, we always will looking for a reward. When we really serve without expecting nothing in return, we never become undeceived, because the person become self-sustained, self-supported.  How we get this state? Discovering our deepest self. 

We and the others

We see the people through our senses, they are a set of data supplied by our senses. We compare this data with our ideas, personal preferences, etc, and then we judge the person: intelligent person, kind person, unpleasant one… But, what about the real person? What we see is a reduction, sometimes even a caricature, of the real person. And, when we dealing with this person, we behave according to our idea. I we only see the limitations of a person, and behave with him according with our vision, we are reinforcing their limitations in their mind. On the other hand, if I recognize their real life, beyond their limitations, then I’m helping them to express their inner plenty life.

Because the others are looking for the same as me: life in fullness, self-affirmation. Because the real nature of the others is the same of me: intelligence, energy and love, trying to express in life. If we could see this real nature,  this intelligence trying to express, this energy and love, filtered by their mind, by their mental filters, then we can help them to express, and the human relationship become wonderful. This goal is impossible to achieve while I myself am not aware of my real self. If I am living myself in a deep level, then automatically I can see the same in the others, and my relationships become transformed. This the truth: my relationships are limited by our own personal development. And if we are enough aware, we can help to others to awake, otherwise not. 

 

The power of desire and will

Some time ago I wrote in this blog a post named “Renunciation“, in which, as a conclusion, I wrote:

I renounce to hope of receive happiness and love as a result of relationships with other human beings, they are too complicated, confused and weak. Indeed, I renounce to search and find happiness in this crazy world.”

Well, easy to say, but not so easy to do, right? Lately I have had a few bad days, having disappointments with near people, that let me toward a bit depressed state. Fortunately, this episodes helps me to improve myself, reflecting about the causes within myself. Seems my renunciation is not so complete, hmmm…

I discovered that I still have desires about the people behavior with me, specially the loved ones. This is so natural desire, right? But, it can be very destructive, I know it so well.

My parents had strong desires related to the expected behavior of the partner; this expectations never was fulfilled, and as a consequence, both attacked each other for years, resulting a painful life, and a bad end. Both was very good persons, with good heart, but their frustrated desires generated anger and suffer.

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It is said that frequently sons and daughters repeat the unhealthy relationship patterns of their parents; well, maybe it was my case, not so hard as my parents was, but I have suffered too this failed expectations, as my wife too. And also my son is not the kind of boy I was expecting.

On the other hand, to have desires is necessary for to live, I think. Thanks to have desires, I have a nice house, a career, a good job, and a family. Both forces, desire and will to achieve the objects of desires, are our fuel for live, right?

But, I think we must have a clear power of discrimination for decide which desires we follow. In relationships field, the desire about people behavior is one of this desires that need care. We have one powerful instrument in our hands: the will to elevate our goals. Desire is always before will: we need to desire a higher live, a more spiritual one, less selfish. I remember now the words of a swami in a chat some months ago: “elevate, elevate, always elevate your life and mind“. 

So as a result of my recent bad days, I’m trying to elevate my desire: my ego are still alive, asking for a  “good” behavior of my beloved ones, generating selfish desire, but my will now is to change this desire to another at high level: the behavior is not so important, it depends on mood, thoughts, circumstances, and other temporal things; the really important are the self in the people, hidden behind the ordinary mind. If I really love a person, I have to look beyond, and try to help them, not judge them. In fact, this is the definition of a loving person: never judges us, always want to help, if we need it, right?