The experience of loving is only yours, and no one else’s

Learning to still be in-love,,
Without any concrete person to be in love with,
May seem impossible,
And in truth it is not so easy,
Because the mind goes, wanders, remembering those times,
In which love flowed easily between the two,
Or so you thought, at least you imagined.

In these moments of remembrance, of melancholy,
Seems as if you lack the air,
As if you could not breathe, you drown,
You lack the person who ignited your love,
But then, with an effort of will,
You give the attention to the sensation of loving itself,
Not to the external object that provoked it, but to your own experience of loving,
You remember that feeling, and you revive it, at will,
Without thinking, without judging, only living the wonderful feeling of loving,
With full consciousness.

You realize then that the experience of loving was yours,
Which is still yours, which has always been yours,
You believed that it had been taken away, denied, that you no longer had it,
But it was only a belief,
For now you see that you can still evoke it, experience it, live it, it is in you,
Then you feel as if you are back in the air, you breathe again.

And so, day by day, being very attentive, very mindfulness,
Capturing the moment when the mind wanders,
Capturing the moment when the sadness returns,
Realizing that that love is still in you, that you have love within,
That you thought you needed someone to live it,
And it was just a belief in your mind,
Which needs to be convinced otherwise,
Showing him, patiently, the truth,
Then you learn to be permanently in love,
To stay there, in your love,
In what you are in the background, what you have always been, without knowing it,
And that no one can ever deny you, ever again.

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Love story

A short tale about the realization of inner love, the source of true love.

At first, she treated me with great affection.
So my affection for her grew, and grew.
Even when I tried to stop it, I was unable.
Because I noticed that my attempt made her suffer.
When I tried to be distant, I saw her with her head down, and I could not bear it.

Eventually my affection for her overwhelmed me.
Occupying my mind, my thoughts, my being.
I used to imagine sharing with her every moment, every experience. I’m in love with her, clearly.
So I could not hide my great affection anymore.

But it happened that she had already changed her mind.
She had already decided to restrain her affection for me, because it was not convenient for her.
What I had not been able to do, was no problem for her.
So she rejected me, without any care.
And his dealings with me became formal, polite, correct … cold. No more affection from her.
We distance ourselves. We did not see each other anymore.

However, I wrote to her from time to time.
I wrote it with tenderness, with affection, opening my soul, as always.
But she always responded intellectually, analytically, with distance.

One night, after reading his cold reply, I realized that I was happy.
How was it possible?
She no longer offered me any affection, but even so, the mere mental contact, through e-mails, from a long distance, made me happy.
Then I realized that the happiness I felt was not produced by her.
It were impossible, because she was closed to me, she was not giving anything, anymore, to me.

Where did that happiness come from?
Focusing my attention carefully on the sensation, I saw it flowing from me. From within,
There was no reason for such happiness, even so there it was, subtle, but real, as if there was still mutual affection.

I realized then that I could live, feel, that state, a state of love-happiness, independently, by myself. She was not producing it, no longer, no more, never more.
She had only opened a door to my inner source of love; and I could keep the door open, even though she no longer loved me.

Thus, currently I remain in love, happy. But not in love for her, I’m in love. Within love.
And I stopped writing her. I no longer need her. I do not bother her anymore.

The inner reality of love can be recognized only by love. Hans Urs von Balthasar

What is “realization”? Types of realization. Meditation for realization.

Meditation is an activity that allows us to train the mind to see the world and ourselves with another perspective. It can be used for practical purposes, such as better sleeping or more efficient, and also to realize aspects of existence that are not obvious, but real. This realization of the non-obvious, the subtle, is what is meant by “realization.”


There are several types of realization, depending on which aspect of reality we focus our mind. Next we see a script of meditation that takes us to the different realizations (the realization of several subtle aspects). We can not pretend to get all the realizations in a few minutes, of course, this script just wants to show a possible way, and by the way defines what each type of realization means. Each person has a tendency to develop some specific aspect, but in fact we can, and it is convenient to do so, to work with all aspects. At first all we can hope to feel is an intuition of truth, something that resonates to us as real, but still distant; with practice, is seen more and more clearly, the mind is opening to new ways of seeing, to subtle knowledge, until finally the knowledge is “fully” realized.

Meditation on the realizations

  •  When the ego is active, love can only express itself as “I want.”
    I love you  because you make me feel good” is what the ego expresses.
    And if you stop being pleasant for that person, you fail their ego, you lose your utility for him. Then that ego says, “I do not love you anymore,” even saying “I hate you because you have failed me.”
  • When the ego is inactive, love shines on its own.
  • Love without ego is constant, demands nothing, does not seek to be useful.
  • If you remain calm with the ego inactive, and watch closely, you will feel your own love, shining in you.
  • The moment the ego reactivates itself, it loses that wonderful sensation, because the ego is incapable of realizing it, he is always waiting to get everything through something or someone, it never gives anything of itself.
  • If you immerse yourself in that feeling of inner love, you will see that it expands, which seems to encompass everything.
  • You will look around and everything will look bright, beautiful, because beauty and love both belong to the same plane, are aspects of the same thing.
  • This state is called the realization of love.

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  • When the ego is inactive, the mind becomes calm, ceases to seek, it relaxes.
  • If in that state you look attentively you feel the peace of a calm mind.
  • If you look more deeply, you perceive that someone is observing that peace, someone subtle, is not the ego, is not a thought, nor is it material, seems to be nothing, it is purely conscious presence.
  • This state is called the realization of your deep being, or realization of the Self in you, or simply, self-realization.

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  • Keeping the ego inactive, with the mind in deep calm, watch your surroundings closely.
  • You will feel one with everything. The separation between you and the world is a thing of the ego. It is relative, and ultimately false.
  • By observing both the world and yourself, with the relaxed mind, your consciousness is simultaneously containing your environment and yourself, your body, your emotions, your mind, everything is in your consciousness, forming a unity.
  • This state is called realization of non-duality.

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  • Meditating on the functioning of your body, a very complex biological machine, with innumerable cells, living beings cooperating with each other to keep you alive, we see the diversity of life creating an unity of life, you.
  • Breathing, feeling life in you, looking at the life around you, with the calm mind, you feel that all life is one, you are a focus in an ocean of life.
  • This state is called the realization of the unity of life.

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  • Looking, with the calm mind, how the world works out there, so complex, how everything seems to work alone, with mathematical exactitude, governed by natural laws, the whole cosmos functions like a precision clock, you feel there is an intelligence there, subtle, immense, that is in everything.
  • That same intelligence keeps you alive, second to second.
  • Your own personal mind is part of that intelligence,  it is an individual focus of that cosmic intelligence.
  • This state is called the realization of the unity of mind, or realization of the Universal Mind, “the Universe is a creation of the Mind.”

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  • Observing from the relaxed, open, centered mind, the Love that expands and is in everything, the unity of Life, the unity of the Mind, the non-duality of Consciousness, and your very profound being, encompassing all these aspects of reality with your consciousness, you experience a state of total oneness with Love, with Life, with Existence and with Mind.
  • This state is called the realization of the Self.

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Understanding detachment

The original idea of detachment comes from Eastern mystical traditions, non-attachment being a basic idea in Buddhism, which entered the Western mentality in the second half of the twentieth century, and in this twenty-first century, through another idea Originally Buddhist, mindfulness, is spreading massively at great speed, with the obvious danger that this entails: misinterpretations, mercantilism, ideas drawn from its context, adaptations to the Western lifestyle that are rather deformations of the original concept, etc . We must remember that all this doctrine of mindfulness and also of detachment is engendered in spiritual, even monastic, environments, seeking enlightenment. That’s why I want to expose some ideas about the real meaning of detachment.

Attachment

Detachment is the opposite of attachment, it is lack of attachment. And attachment, is an affective, powerful and lasting bond, established between two people, directly related to empathy, fluid communication between people and of course with love. Attachment is a biological characteristic, because it brings us closer to the one we know understands us, supports us, gives us security, etc. It appears in childhood with respect to parents, which the child sees as protective and loving figures, who are always there for him. But it also appears in adult relationships, as the adult continues to value, but not to the level of need of the child, a security, emotional support, someone who is there unconditionally, having someone like that is of great value to anyone.

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988) considers that creating stable intimate emotional bonds with particular individuals is a basic component of human nature, already present germ in the newborn and continuing through adulthood to old age. Psychologically, a relationship with attachment in the adult can take several forms, from a relationship of friendship to a romantic relationship. In addition, one also distinguishes between attachment with security and attachment with insecurity (Cindy Hazan, Phillip Shaver, 1980).

The relationship with attachment and security is based on positive opinions of the person about himself, about his partner and their relationship, both are comfortable with both the intimacy and the independence they leave each other, balancing the two vital aspects. On the other hand, in relationships with attachment and insecurity, there is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of confidence that makes the person suffer when it seems that the relationship weakens, even if it is a false impression, which leads to want to control, tie To the other, to take away independence for fear of losing him. Obviously, this latter form of attachment usually results in relationships with a good deal of suffering, while attachment securely reveals itself as a healthy relationship, as many studies seem to confirm.

The relationship with attachment and security is based on positive opinions of the person about himself, about his partner and their relationship, both are comfortable with both the intimacy and the independence they leave each other, balancing the two vital aspects. On the other hand, in relationships with attachment and insecurity, there is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of confidence that makes the person suffer when it seems that the relationship weakens, even if it is a false impression, which leads to want to control, tie to the other, to take away independence for fear of losing him. Obviously, this latter form of attachment usually results in relationships with a good deal of suffering, while attachment securely reveals itself as a healthy relationship, as many studies seem to confirm.

Attachment and intimacy

Intimacy in a relationship implies that the person reveals something important about himself, opens himself to the other, the person feels validated, understood and cared for, and so naturally there is an attachment to that person with whom we know we can trust our privacy. The person knows that he can reveal his true thoughts, experiences, feelings, desires and fears without fear of rejection or criticism, is entrusted to care and emotional support, may even lead to the will to engage in physical intimacy in the case of potential romantic couples.

A series of studies (Collins and Feeney) show how each style of attachment relates in a different way to the willingness to self-revelation, willingness to trust, and willingness to engage in physical intimacy. The secure attachment style is usually related to more self-disclosure, more trust in peers, and more physical intimacy than other attachment styles in which fear of loss, and therefore some mistrust, makes its appearance.

In short, attachment in the human being, when healthy, that is, without fear, without dysfunctional dependencies, is a relationship of trust, enriching, a knowledge that there is someone available in whom to trust, permanently, stable. It is a safe value, so to speak. So when we talk about detachment, we are referring to avoid insecure attachment. Is true that a enlightened person, a Buddha, don’t need even the secure attachment, but who can say is enlightened now a days?

Detachment misunderstood

Here are some examples that misinterpret the concept, copied from some web sites.

When love blossoms completely, everything simply is. The fear of tomorrow does not arise and, therefore, there is no place for attachment, dependence, marriage or any kind of contract, binding.

Here we have a mess between transcendent, spiritual love, attachment, and everyday love; identifies attachment with fear and dependence, but in any case that may be true when there is attachment with insecurity, the dysfunctional attachment that we have explained. The healthy attachment is entrusted, without fear, the person feels intimately united with another. As for the idea of dependence, taken to the extreme, implies that we are told not to depend on anyone, and that is absurd, life is relationship, it is dependency, we need each other; Again, there is dependence healthy and insane, dysfunctional, there has to be a balance, and in attachment with confidence we have that balance.

Attachment is the desire to never change the couple.

Healthy attachment is no desire for anything, it is rather a relationship of trust, well established. It is clear that we are human, and we can make mistakes, and trust to get lost, but we do not think about it, we are confident, living and enjoying the person.

Love does not know attachment, because love does not know the possibility of losing dignity.

The transcendent love, of which we will speak later, has no object, it simply is, and then it is true that there is no attachment to anyone. But when we touch the ground and manifest love here in Earth, we materialize the love towards other people, and we also receive it from others, it is human and natural that the attachment to the beloved appears to be perceived as of great value for us. So this quote, true for a mystical, non-dual, global love, simply has no meaning in relation to others.

Love is universal. Once your understanding of love flourishes, there is no place for attachment. You can continue to change partners, but that does not mean that you are abandoning anyone. You may come back with the same couple again; There is no place for prejudice.

Again the same mess of confusing love itself, transcendent, with love manifested; following the letter of this statement as a slogan you can not trust that the person is there available, you are as gone, blown, jumping from flower to flower as the wind blows, which by the way, is usually the wind of desire: you join who you are interested in then, then you fly to another place. Surely there can be no attachment, not even the healthy, because you can not trust that person, may be today, but probably will not last too long, because it is uprooted.

The right meaning of loving with detachment

Let us return to the original source of the concept of detachment. Buddha about intimate relationships felt that a man and a woman in a loving and supportive relationship are like a pairing of a god and a goddess. He encouraged people to participate in relationships and enjoy them to their full extent, are wonderful opportunities to practice loving kindness, generosity and mutual support. Therefore, a committed long-term commitment is all the more an opportunity to deepen the understanding and cultivation of these qualities. What a huge difference from the slogans we have discussed before!

The problem is not to stick with the loved one, it is to be attached in an erroneous, dysfunctional way, as we have pointed out. Let us ask ourselves: to what extent am I using the love of my partner to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself? A truly healthy individual is one who is complete by himself, and does not need to depend on anything or anyone to feel whole and content. But that does not mean that we must go alone, isolate ourselves from others, or flee from stable relationships out of fear of dependency. It is simply not to depend on someone or something external to me as a necessary condition for my happiness.

That is the ideal: to love without feeling that you need the other. Sure, it’s great to know what the ideal is, but very few people are actually there, because it is necessary to be enlightened to really be so. But the fact is almost nobody is enlightened. We all have moments when we find feelings of loneliness, inadequacy or insecurity. It is a very normal human response to try to compensate for these unpleasant feelings by using someone else’s love to cover them. And here comes compassion, understood as an understanding of our weakness.

So. let’s not get caught up in ideologies of what attachment should or should not be, what is right or wrong. Let us not lose sight of the forest through the trees. A healthy relationship with a partner, is by nature where we open ourselves completely to another person, is a great field of work to understand the true nature of self and other. When we lower our defenses and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to another person, we have the opportunity to deeply explore the nature of our own egos, desires, and expectations. We can challenge ourselves to aspire to an enlightened relationship, which is marked by pure, unselfish and unconditional love. What emerges is an association of whole individuals who do not really need each other, but openly give and take loving support from one another. But that is the ideal. We do not force things, otherwise we imagine that we are already there, but in reality we are fleeing from ourselves, we are afraid of being hurt, of being dependent, of being bound. Fear is never, never a good choice. Let us be human, compassionate, and grow at our own pace.

Motivation and Love

Basically, we are motivated about something when we have a reason to act in a certain way related to the thing. For example, there are many motivations for work thirty five or more hours a week, like enjoy doing something useful for others, or expressing our potentialities through a well-done work, or even simply for money, indeed, this last possibility often is more a need than a motivation.

One meaning of love is to have a strong liking for, to take great pleasure in something. We even can do something simply because we love it. So love is a motivation. Reflecting a bit, when we are doing something we really enjoy, we can say we love do it, no more motivations are needed. Even people working for earn lots of money, do it because they “love money”. Being more subtle, people who work simply for live also are motivated for to live well, for  don’t fall in poverty, because they love themselves enough for act in this way.

So, consider this statement: ultimately, all motivation is based in love for something, maybe for ourselves, for our family, friends, for a well-done work, for power o money, etc. Without love there are not any motivation for act.

Let me go further: all things surrounding us are created by any motivation, so by love; the building where you live, for enjoy a warm and secure home, so for self-love, self-care, the streets, cars, many services at our disposal, are motivated for give a good environment to the society, so for care, for love to it. Thinking in this way, the reader can realize how many implicated is love as ultimate motivation in all the human creations.

Now we go even further: what is the motivation, if any, of life in itself? Science, pragmatically, says as there are not any motivation, things simply happened … although is impressively unlikely the complexity of life arises and evolves without any motive, but science, for their own nature, has to maintain  their statements. What about love as ultimate motivation for life? Why our billions of cells are working together, cooperating in an incredible sophisticated way, for maintain our body alive? Is life unmotivated? Try to consider, for a moment, that love is also the motivation of all life; try to meditate on it, with open mind, without judgment, simply observing the resonances of such concept.

Similarly, all the creation, from the big explosion named Big Bang, up to the present Universe, is an evolution from nothing at all up to cosmos we have and we live into. No motivation? Random creation and evolution? Science must say it, is mandatory for any scientist think in such way, but again, try to consider there are a motivation underlying, a primal motivation, the same from the entire cosmos, up to every human being. Adopting uncountable forms, such primary love impulses, motivates all the dynamic of the cosmos. Try to meditate in it, with open mind, and the results will come.

Take and give

Rediscovering what is intuited that touches you.
And it does not come until you open yourself to listen with your whole being, naked and complete.
And then it does not just come, it explodes inside and it vibrates outside.
Falling in love with the present moment, with no ties to anyone.
Not even with you.
Yes, lover of anyone.
Freedom to create spaces … spaces of love.

Written and shared with me by a student of Mindfulness course

Happiness is hidden in a corner of your heart

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Bridge over the abyss. Source: flickr.com

The river of life runs between the banks of pain and pleasure. The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.
You are not passing through life, you are here because you are life.
You are this twig of conscious life rocking on the swing of existence.

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The candle flame expands its light. Source: 365consejosparaserfeliz.blogspot.com.es

 

When you discover the flower that springs every morning in the heart of the friend, the love that unites eclipses the mind that separates.
Reason tells you that you are barely anything in the immensity of the cosmos, but the heart assures you that you are everything.
The flower fills the space with its perfume, the candle flame expands its light. Neither the flower nor the flame do anything; and yet they change everything by their mere presence.

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Ocean

Every drop of the ocean carries the scent of the ocean. Every moment of your life carries the fragrance of the eternal.

 

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Happiness is hidden in a corner of your heart. Sleep quiet, oblivious to your anxiety, waiting for you to wake her up.
Your real being is love itself and the multitude of your loves are its reflection.

-Mario Carrillo-