The experience of loving is only yours, and no one else’s

Learning to still be in-love,,
Without any concrete person to be in love with,
May seem impossible,
And in truth it is not so easy,
Because the mind goes, wanders, remembering those times,
In which love flowed easily between the two,
Or so you thought, at least you imagined.

In these moments of remembrance, of melancholy,
Seems as if you lack the air,
As if you could not breathe, you drown,
You lack the person who ignited your love,
But then, with an effort of will,
You give the attention to the sensation of loving itself,
Not to the external object that provoked it, but to your own experience of loving,
You remember that feeling, and you revive it, at will,
Without thinking, without judging, only living the wonderful feeling of loving,
With full consciousness.

You realize then that the experience of loving was yours,
Which is still yours, which has always been yours,
You believed that it had been taken away, denied, that you no longer had it,
But it was only a belief,
For now you see that you can still evoke it, experience it, live it, it is in you,
Then you feel as if you are back in the air, you breathe again.

And so, day by day, being very attentive, very mindfulness,
Capturing the moment when the mind wanders,
Capturing the moment when the sadness returns,
Realizing that that love is still in you, that you have love within,
That you thought you needed someone to live it,
And it was just a belief in your mind,
Which needs to be convinced otherwise,
Showing him, patiently, the truth,
Then you learn to be permanently in love,
To stay there, in your love,
In what you are in the background, what you have always been, without knowing it,
And that no one can ever deny you, ever again.

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Understanding detachment

The original idea of detachment comes from Eastern mystical traditions, non-attachment being a basic idea in Buddhism, which entered the Western mentality in the second half of the twentieth century, and in this twenty-first century, through another idea Originally Buddhist, mindfulness, is spreading massively at great speed, with the obvious danger that this entails: misinterpretations, mercantilism, ideas drawn from its context, adaptations to the Western lifestyle that are rather deformations of the original concept, etc . We must remember that all this doctrine of mindfulness and also of detachment is engendered in spiritual, even monastic, environments, seeking enlightenment. That’s why I want to expose some ideas about the real meaning of detachment.

Attachment

Detachment is the opposite of attachment, it is lack of attachment. And attachment, is an affective, powerful and lasting bond, established between two people, directly related to empathy, fluid communication between people and of course with love. Attachment is a biological characteristic, because it brings us closer to the one we know understands us, supports us, gives us security, etc. It appears in childhood with respect to parents, which the child sees as protective and loving figures, who are always there for him. But it also appears in adult relationships, as the adult continues to value, but not to the level of need of the child, a security, emotional support, someone who is there unconditionally, having someone like that is of great value to anyone.

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988) considers that creating stable intimate emotional bonds with particular individuals is a basic component of human nature, already present germ in the newborn and continuing through adulthood to old age. Psychologically, a relationship with attachment in the adult can take several forms, from a relationship of friendship to a romantic relationship. In addition, one also distinguishes between attachment with security and attachment with insecurity (Cindy Hazan, Phillip Shaver, 1980).

The relationship with attachment and security is based on positive opinions of the person about himself, about his partner and their relationship, both are comfortable with both the intimacy and the independence they leave each other, balancing the two vital aspects. On the other hand, in relationships with attachment and insecurity, there is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of confidence that makes the person suffer when it seems that the relationship weakens, even if it is a false impression, which leads to want to control, tie To the other, to take away independence for fear of losing him. Obviously, this latter form of attachment usually results in relationships with a good deal of suffering, while attachment securely reveals itself as a healthy relationship, as many studies seem to confirm.

The relationship with attachment and security is based on positive opinions of the person about himself, about his partner and their relationship, both are comfortable with both the intimacy and the independence they leave each other, balancing the two vital aspects. On the other hand, in relationships with attachment and insecurity, there is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of confidence that makes the person suffer when it seems that the relationship weakens, even if it is a false impression, which leads to want to control, tie to the other, to take away independence for fear of losing him. Obviously, this latter form of attachment usually results in relationships with a good deal of suffering, while attachment securely reveals itself as a healthy relationship, as many studies seem to confirm.

Attachment and intimacy

Intimacy in a relationship implies that the person reveals something important about himself, opens himself to the other, the person feels validated, understood and cared for, and so naturally there is an attachment to that person with whom we know we can trust our privacy. The person knows that he can reveal his true thoughts, experiences, feelings, desires and fears without fear of rejection or criticism, is entrusted to care and emotional support, may even lead to the will to engage in physical intimacy in the case of potential romantic couples.

A series of studies (Collins and Feeney) show how each style of attachment relates in a different way to the willingness to self-revelation, willingness to trust, and willingness to engage in physical intimacy. The secure attachment style is usually related to more self-disclosure, more trust in peers, and more physical intimacy than other attachment styles in which fear of loss, and therefore some mistrust, makes its appearance.

In short, attachment in the human being, when healthy, that is, without fear, without dysfunctional dependencies, is a relationship of trust, enriching, a knowledge that there is someone available in whom to trust, permanently, stable. It is a safe value, so to speak. So when we talk about detachment, we are referring to avoid insecure attachment. Is true that a enlightened person, a Buddha, don’t need even the secure attachment, but who can say is enlightened now a days?

Detachment misunderstood

Here are some examples that misinterpret the concept, copied from some web sites.

When love blossoms completely, everything simply is. The fear of tomorrow does not arise and, therefore, there is no place for attachment, dependence, marriage or any kind of contract, binding.

Here we have a mess between transcendent, spiritual love, attachment, and everyday love; identifies attachment with fear and dependence, but in any case that may be true when there is attachment with insecurity, the dysfunctional attachment that we have explained. The healthy attachment is entrusted, without fear, the person feels intimately united with another. As for the idea of dependence, taken to the extreme, implies that we are told not to depend on anyone, and that is absurd, life is relationship, it is dependency, we need each other; Again, there is dependence healthy and insane, dysfunctional, there has to be a balance, and in attachment with confidence we have that balance.

Attachment is the desire to never change the couple.

Healthy attachment is no desire for anything, it is rather a relationship of trust, well established. It is clear that we are human, and we can make mistakes, and trust to get lost, but we do not think about it, we are confident, living and enjoying the person.

Love does not know attachment, because love does not know the possibility of losing dignity.

The transcendent love, of which we will speak later, has no object, it simply is, and then it is true that there is no attachment to anyone. But when we touch the ground and manifest love here in Earth, we materialize the love towards other people, and we also receive it from others, it is human and natural that the attachment to the beloved appears to be perceived as of great value for us. So this quote, true for a mystical, non-dual, global love, simply has no meaning in relation to others.

Love is universal. Once your understanding of love flourishes, there is no place for attachment. You can continue to change partners, but that does not mean that you are abandoning anyone. You may come back with the same couple again; There is no place for prejudice.

Again the same mess of confusing love itself, transcendent, with love manifested; following the letter of this statement as a slogan you can not trust that the person is there available, you are as gone, blown, jumping from flower to flower as the wind blows, which by the way, is usually the wind of desire: you join who you are interested in then, then you fly to another place. Surely there can be no attachment, not even the healthy, because you can not trust that person, may be today, but probably will not last too long, because it is uprooted.

The right meaning of loving with detachment

Let us return to the original source of the concept of detachment. Buddha about intimate relationships felt that a man and a woman in a loving and supportive relationship are like a pairing of a god and a goddess. He encouraged people to participate in relationships and enjoy them to their full extent, are wonderful opportunities to practice loving kindness, generosity and mutual support. Therefore, a committed long-term commitment is all the more an opportunity to deepen the understanding and cultivation of these qualities. What a huge difference from the slogans we have discussed before!

The problem is not to stick with the loved one, it is to be attached in an erroneous, dysfunctional way, as we have pointed out. Let us ask ourselves: to what extent am I using the love of my partner to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself? A truly healthy individual is one who is complete by himself, and does not need to depend on anything or anyone to feel whole and content. But that does not mean that we must go alone, isolate ourselves from others, or flee from stable relationships out of fear of dependency. It is simply not to depend on someone or something external to me as a necessary condition for my happiness.

That is the ideal: to love without feeling that you need the other. Sure, it’s great to know what the ideal is, but very few people are actually there, because it is necessary to be enlightened to really be so. But the fact is almost nobody is enlightened. We all have moments when we find feelings of loneliness, inadequacy or insecurity. It is a very normal human response to try to compensate for these unpleasant feelings by using someone else’s love to cover them. And here comes compassion, understood as an understanding of our weakness.

So. let’s not get caught up in ideologies of what attachment should or should not be, what is right or wrong. Let us not lose sight of the forest through the trees. A healthy relationship with a partner, is by nature where we open ourselves completely to another person, is a great field of work to understand the true nature of self and other. When we lower our defenses and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to another person, we have the opportunity to deeply explore the nature of our own egos, desires, and expectations. We can challenge ourselves to aspire to an enlightened relationship, which is marked by pure, unselfish and unconditional love. What emerges is an association of whole individuals who do not really need each other, but openly give and take loving support from one another. But that is the ideal. We do not force things, otherwise we imagine that we are already there, but in reality we are fleeing from ourselves, we are afraid of being hurt, of being dependent, of being bound. Fear is never, never a good choice. Let us be human, compassionate, and grow at our own pace.

The unnoticed anger

Anger is the emotion that releases or handling, more power, which demands to be channelled, used to something, it may harm ourselves and others. Explosive anger that leads to physical or verbal violence is not to be discussed here, attend anger instead of low intensity, more frequent, more subtle, you can even go unnoticed, but not its effects always harmful.

Anger and attachment

When you keep thinking about sense objects, attachment comes. Attachment breeds desire, the lust of possession that burns to anger. Anger clouds the judgement; you can no longer learn from past mistakes. Lost is the power to choose between what is wise and what is unwise, and your life is utter waste. But when you move amidst the world of sense, free from attachment and aversion alike, there comes the peace in which all sorrows end, and you live in the wisdom of the Self. – The Bhagavad Gita.

Attachment concerns us here is subtle: it is preconceived ideas in our mind. It may be to the idea of yourself, as you think / you want others to behave with you, or you want your life in general. When that attachment is attacked, anger and automatic defence mechanism arises. The ancient text of Gita makes us a serious warning to this effect: the anger generated by the frustrated desire make us lose our ability to discern, our “common sense”, and life is so wasted, from the point of view of the seeker the wisdom.

How this low intensity anger manifests? An example: the despair, emotion (negative) that arises when someone does not pay us the attention we think we deserve, or we expect. It is a kind of resentment, but with different dyes. In any case, we expected something from someone, who has not given us it, and there is an anger response. There is no explicit violence, but an animosity against anyone .. for the mere fact of not meeting our expectations! There are a lot of negative emotions, some of them are directly related to anger:

negative emotions

Some negative emotions related to ire

Another example of anger that can be unnoticed if we don’t refine our perception is indifference or coldness with someone. At the root of this emotional attitude of coldness we meet again anger: the process is similar, we had develop attachment to something or someone, we don’t get it our desired way, so our response is to ignore it. When we ignore something, we take our attention, turn away from our consciousness, which is a way to destroy it, to remove it from our world. Anger is always destructive, in all its forms.

Anger can be contagious

Through the same mechanism of attachment, anger can become viral; for example if two people have attachment for each other, and one of them falls in behaviour dictated by anger, even being of low intensity, the other person certainly will detect it. Being too attached, coldness, indifference, spite, or any other form of anger “overlapping” will produce pain, which can in turn react with anger. Like a virus, anger has been transmitted infection using attachment as mechanism. It is one of the fastest ways to destroy a relationship, because anger, as energy is, can drive the person to drown any feelings of love or friendship.

How we can notice anger and how to avoid it

For to be able to perceive that we are in a negative state we need to be a bit aware of what we are living every moment. Cultivate our inner life is a first step:  being able to be the protagonist of what happens inside us, not an unconscious victim, dragged by automatic emotions.

Once detected the negative state, and it is important to do it sooner rather than later to avoid such emotion goes strong within us, we have to counter it with some emotional management techniques, relaxation, meditation, etc. Of course, ideally, as indicated by the Gita, the ideal is to be free of attachments, be a free spirit, but that is another way to call self-realization, which is not easy to get. In that state, we do not identify with the body nor the emotions, nor thoughts. By not identify with anything, we can not stick to anything either, we are free.

Desire can prevent Love

I know this writing can be a bit controversial, but is based on my own experience, is not any philosophical or metaphysical theory.

Types of love

Our mind classifies all the contents of our conscience, even the feel of love, so we discriminate between many types of love: friendship, brotherhood, maternal love, romantic love, etc.  In fact there are only one love, but we express it in many ways, conditioned by social and moral rules, driven by our minds.

Our society often presents romantic love as the higher of all types, because is the one that is more passionate, their material expression is more intense, more physical. Romantic love have to has sex, otherwise is classified as Platonic love, a sort of non complete romantic love. Moreover, this romantic love must be unique: we have to feel love for only one person, otherwise is not true love, but desire. Which person? As movies, books, and media in general states, is your perfect partner, who you have to find. This rule is not universal, of course, there are also arranged marriages in some traditions, but I want talk about countries and cultures following the romantic love paradigm.

Love is complicated, friendship is confused

It happens that I always have found more interesting women than men, they are more opened, they express their feelings better, are less aggressive, are more socially skilled, etc. And maybe they notice it, because I usually they like me. But I have found myself in a trouble too often: sometimes desire appears in the relationship; being married, I can’t offer any kind of romantic love to more women, so pain appears, as a result of the frustrated desire. Then, we distance ourselves, and the friendship is ruined.

Maybe the reader are thinking this a trivial, very viewed history; not at all, such feelings was and are producing huge amounts of pain. Moreover, my aim is to show how desire can, and really do, ruin a nice friendship. If you’re agree with the thought “friendship is a nice type of love”, then we can state “desire can ruin such love”. Where is the problem? As always, it is in the mind. When physical attraction appears, our mind creates an idea, thinking such person is desirable: a desire born. If we don’t control such desire, it grows, and soon dominates us, confusing us: we think then we are “falling in love”. Then, soon, our mind notice such love is impossible, so desire is frustrated, and we feel pain. In response, we maybe feel angry, or feel disconsolately, or something similar, and decide to stay away from that person, the source of pain, even if there was a friendship. I lived that pattern of behaviour about five times in the last fifteen years, losing contact with friends. Is a pity, really.

By the way, the title of this section, “Love is complicated, friendship is confused“, was a group on Facebook an old friend, a girl indeed, who joined up, doing it while thinking in our relationship; I remember it well. Now a days we don’t talk, even no chat, no mail, I don’t know nothing about her, but in her own last words, “you are still my best friend, even if we don’t talk anymore“. Seems some type of censure forbidden us to talk, the censure of desire. Again, is a pity.

Are there any alternative way?

Yes, of course: be above our desires, be the Lord of our inner world, not their slave. As humans, we all experience attraction and desire; but we can see such attraction as mere information, given us by our unconscious mind, saying us: “hey, you, here there are something interesting, right?”. What can we do with this information? Well, we don’t need to do anything, we can simply say: “allright, thanks for the info”. If we don’t make such decision, then automatically the energy started within us will continue its natural way, generating the desire of stay near of the object of interest, and such energy will grow and grow until become craving, clinginess, attachment, and delusion harming us and eventually destroying the relationship and covering the Love we felt with an opaque cover.

Is essential to be enough aware of our own feelings, for to be able of notice the attraction at the very beginning of the process of attraction-desire. Also, is important to know the difference between love and attraction: for example, you can see it in my post “Attraction and desire are not Love“.

Attachment and Love

Well, here I am again, trying to share some light, I’m still walking in the dark, of course, like 99.99% of human beings, but when my readings and daily meditation brings me some light, I come here for try to share it, I think to try it is worthy.

Attachment and pain

Lately I have had two bad days, in psychological sense: I have felt without energy, bad sleeping, etc. Today I have recovered enough energy for analyze the reasons and meditate about them. It was attachment, ultimately. When we are strong attached to a person, and this person suffers a lot, or attack us, or even worse, both, we suffer; this is the very result of to be attached: dependency. Attachment needs to receive: attention, care, kindness, help, etc. If we don’t receive some of this “needs”, pain is the result. This is well known for Buddhist followers, at least in theory. But today I have discovered a bit more about it.

Subconsciously attached

Which is the relationship between love and attachment? Can we love without attachment? The contrary is easy: we can have attachment without love, for example, attachment to a social position, to money, etc, is not love at all. But, what we can say about love without attachment? Intellectually, I already had the answer: true love is independent of any attachment. I read about it some years ago, and I agree since then. But, subconsciously, I still have had the thought: love needs attachment by definition! The key word here is: subconsciously. Indeed, while these bad days happened, my mental state was semi-unconscious, I didn’t realize it while I was there, but now I’m full awake (or more awake) and I can see it.This thought is strongly … attached in my mind too!. Lasting thoughts are condensed energy, and are also physically related to some neural circuits in our brains, we can say they are wired in our brains. If, additionally, they are related to unconscious mind, then they are really difficult to be erased. Indeed, I think, like many other people that believe in reincarnation, these thoughts can survive the dead of the body, so we carry them life after life: they are part of us in many lives, until we overcome them.

Removing unconscious attachment

Is in the human nature to search love with a great deal of selfish attachment. Indeed, many people can’t understand love without attachment. The contrary of attachment, detachment, sounds callous, unfeeling: love with detachment can’t be love! many people say. Searching a more accurate definition, I have found it in the book “Conquest of mind – Eknath Easwaran”, (by the way, a very recommendable book). Following it: in Sanskrit there are two different words related to love concept: Prema and Kama. Prema is pure love, detached one: the lover only wants the happiness of the beloved, no more. On the other side we have Kama: attached love, self-centered, even with romantic tones, in which “I love you” really means “You pleased me, so I want you beside me”. Is a very very common mistake to think only exists Kama, but true love is Prema. As I said before, this concept was clear for me since time ago, but until now I didn’t realize how much the contrary concept is wired in my unconscious mind. There are a  work here: patiently, during meditation, we can present the true to our unconscious, saying: “see you? the old concept is wrong, true love is detached, detached love is possible, and we have been wrong for ages, now is time to fix the error”. We must talk with our unconscious like we talk with a little child: patiently, clearly, kindly, honestly; eventually the new thought will replace the old, and then our mind will have only one thought, not two like now: the conscious one and the unconscious one, the intellectual one and the deep one.

Measuring the successful

We must be able to love when things are going our way and also when things are not going our way, this is an excellent test for measure our kind of love. Is difficult, true, because we are thinking, in our deep unconscious, the contrary. But the reward is great: a person who can love in any circumstance is a tremendously secure person, and a very loving one. Is a person who even if you try to offend him, you can’t, and he will always wanting to help you, without conditions. He have a kind of freedom: he love, in any circumstance. He can enjoy the love even with unpleasant people! Nobody can stop their love. Can you imagine it? As always, comments will be well received 🙂