Desire can prevent Love

I know this writing can be a bit controversial, but is based on my own experience, is not any philosophical or metaphysical theory.

Types of love

Our mind classifies all the contents of our conscience, even the feel of love, so we discriminate between many types of love: friendship, brotherhood, maternal love, romantic love, etc.  In fact there are only one love, but we express it in many ways, conditioned by social and moral rules, driven by our minds.

Our society often presents romantic love as the higher of all types, because is the one that is more passionate, their material expression is more intense, more physical. Romantic love have to has sex, otherwise is classified as Platonic love, a sort of non complete romantic love. Moreover, this romantic love must be unique: we have to feel love for only one person, otherwise is not true love, but desire. Which person? As movies, books, and media in general states, is your perfect partner, who you have to find. This rule is not universal, of course, there are also arranged marriages in some traditions, but I want talk about countries and cultures following the romantic love paradigm.

Love is complicated, friendship is confused

It happens that I always have found more interesting women than men, they are more opened, they express their feelings better, are less aggressive, are more socially skilled, etc. And maybe they notice it, because I usually they like me. But I have found myself in a trouble too often: sometimes desire appears in the relationship; being married, I can’t offer any kind of romantic love to more women, so pain appears, as a result of the frustrated desire. Then, we distance ourselves, and the friendship is ruined.

Maybe the reader are thinking this a trivial, very viewed history; not at all, such feelings was and are producing huge amounts of pain. Moreover, my aim is to show how desire can, and really do, ruin a nice friendship. If you’re agree with the thought “friendship is a nice type of love”, then we can state “desire can ruin such love”. Where is the problem? As always, it is in the mind. When physical attraction appears, our mind creates an idea, thinking such person is desirable: a desire born. If we don’t control such desire, it grows, and soon dominates us, confusing us: we think then we are “falling in love”. Then, soon, our mind notice such love is impossible, so desire is frustrated, and we feel pain. In response, we maybe feel angry, or feel disconsolately, or something similar, and decide to stay away from that person, the source of pain, even if there was a friendship. I lived that pattern of behaviour about five times in the last fifteen years, losing contact with friends. Is a pity, really.

By the way, the title of this section, “Love is complicated, friendship is confused“, was a group on Facebook an old friend, a girl indeed, who joined up, doing it while thinking in our relationship; I remember it well. Now a days we don’t talk, even no chat, no mail, I don’t know nothing about her, but in her own last words, “you are still my best friend, even if we don’t talk anymore“. Seems some type of censure forbidden us to talk, the censure of desire. Again, is a pity.

Are there any alternative way?

Yes, of course: be above our desires, be the Lord of our inner world, not their slave. As humans, we all experience attraction and desire; but we can see such attraction as mere information, given us by our unconscious mind, saying us: “hey, you, here there are something interesting, right?”. What can we do with this information? Well, we don’t need to do anything, we can simply say: “allright, thanks for the info”. If we don’t make such decision, then automatically the energy started within us will continue its natural way, generating the desire of stay near of the object of interest, and such energy will grow and grow until become craving, clinginess, attachment, and delusion harming us and eventually destroying the relationship and covering the Love we felt with an opaque cover.

Is essential to be enough aware of our own feelings, for to be able of notice the attraction at the very beginning of the process of attraction-desire. Also, is important to know the difference between love and attraction: for example, you can see it in my post “Attraction and desire are not Love“.


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