Last month I didn’t write any post, I have dedicated to read and comment posts of other writers instead. My aim was, and is, to help, that is, try to contribute to knowledge and try to help others to achieve enlightenment, if I can of course, considering my (big) limitations. Since two years ago, when I lived some awakening experiences that changed my life, as I have written in this blog time ago, I have had the will of share my new knowledge. I know I’m not a sage at all, but even my bit of new knowledge is worth, and can help to others, I think so. One of these experiences was the disappearance of my desires, and therefore much of the ego, who is made mainly of desires.
But some days ago, a guy reply one of my comments, in a non polite way; briefly, he disapproved my writing and told me: shut up. When I read it, the well known automatic reaction started: angry, feeling treated unfairly, and a cloud of thoughts like “I don’t deserve it”, “my words contain the true, so this guy is blind or what?”, etc etc. Then the need of reply arises, even while a deep voice within me was telling me: “don’t reply please, it will become worst, keep calm”, so I remained in inner struggle for a while, and finally I got carried away by the silly impulse … I write a not too kindly answer, and felt bad at the same time.
Later, I mentally reviewed what happened: why I fell into the old behavior? I believed the conditioned behaviour, like “eye for an eye”, was absolutely overcomed, what happened? This automatic reaction, with pain included, is typical of the ego: a mess of thoughts installed in our mind in which we are projected, confusing him with our real identity. Meditating about it, I think I got the answer.
Since I decided to share my little bit of awareness, a new idea start to arise in my mind: “I’m a helper now, I have to help”. This is the way the ego arises, through identification with thoughts. Eventually the identification with a “wise helper” reasserted, and a new ego arises. When a guy attacked directly this new ego, automatically arises the typical response: fight! Moreover, with the identification desires arise again: “I want to comment”, “I want to be read”, “I want to help”, etc., so frustrations (not fulfilled desires) come again too.
What I’ve learned from this? We must be constantly full awake, monitoring constantly the mind, for avoid this identification arises. Moreover, humility is always needed, and in every situation is mandatory to carefully consider whether it is appropriate to comment or not. On the contrary we can fall in to be a compulsive “opinionated”, with an ego attached to the compulsion. From now on I’ll try to ask to my intuition whether I must write a comment or not, and will try to be unattached to the results, hoping my contribution can help a little bit, even if it occurs rarely, it will enough. And my ego is under strict vigilance again 🙂