It was preparing since months, and last week it happens.
All my meditation gave me peace, but still without happiness, that happiness all the books, gurus and so promise us. So I started to ask myself: what is wrong?
One day, while I was ordering old books in my studio, I found a photography of my first great love; in the picture, she was twenty years old, and I didn’t remember how amazingly beautiful she was, I was impressed, especially for her eyes, so nice, so shinning and alive. My old love for her died years ago, and since then, I felt in love two more times after, with the same or even intensity every time; I lost my last love about six months ago.
That night I dreamed I’m enclosed in a hamster wheel, running and running without end. When I wake up, I realized the meaning of the dream: all my life searching the true, real, everlasting love, seemed to me a endless search. Indeed, I found all I was searching twenty years ago, and subconsciously I was searching the same all my life.
A few days later, while I was reading a book about self-realization, I realized at last the true; I read about it a lot of times before, but without full understanding. This time, however, was like a flash, true and direct knowledge.
“There is no Love greater than Love with no object. For then you, yourself, have become love, itself.” ~Rumi
I realized that Love always had been with me, but my mind was convinced I need somebody for express it; but every time I believed I found her, was short, then I felt incomplete again, and started the search again and again. My mind acted as a filter, a huge one, forbidden the feel of unconditional Love that always have been within me. It was a true liberation. No need for more search.
I’m learning now to live without this new perspective, integrating it with my personality. Is not so easy: yesterday at night while I was walking alone in my city, it was starting to rain; I suddenly felt euphoric. Without umbrella, the rain showed my face. I remember then one of my favourite movie scene: Singing in the rain, with Gene Kelly
“I’m singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I’m happy again! … “
Well, I found myself singing in the rain too, happy again without any reason, unconditionally happiness, so maybe some of the transients thought I was crazy! I must learn to be happy without draw attention.