About to love, and to be Love

It was preparing since months, and last week it happens.

All my meditation gave me peace, but still without happiness, that happiness all the books, gurus and so promise us. So I started to ask myself: what is wrong?

One day, while I was ordering old books in my studio, I found a photography of my first great love; in the picture, she was twenty years old, and I didn’t remember how amazingly beautiful she was, I was impressed, especially for her eyes, so nice, so shinning and alive. My old love for her died years ago, and since then, I felt in love two more times after, with the same or even intensity every time; I lost my last love about six months ago.

That night I dreamed I’m enclosed in a hamster wheel, running and running without end. When I wake up, I realized the meaning of the dream: all my life searching the true, real, everlasting love, seemed to me a endless search. Indeed, I found all I was searching twenty years ago, and subconsciously I was searching the same all my life.

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A few days later, while I was reading a book about self-realization, I realized at last the true; I read about it a lot of times before, but without full understanding. This time, however, was like a flash, true and direct knowledge.

“There is no Love greater than Love with no object. For then you, yourself, have become love, itself.” ~Rumi

I realized that Love always had been with me, but my mind was convinced I need somebody for express it; but every time I believed I found her, was short, then I felt incomplete again, and started the search again and again. My mind acted as a filter, a huge one, forbidden the feel of unconditional Love that always have been within me. It was a true liberation. No need for more search.

I’m learning now to live without this new perspective, integrating it with my personality. Is not so easy: yesterday at night while I was walking alone in my city, it was starting to rain; I suddenly felt euphoric. Without umbrella, the rain showed my face. I remember then one of my favourite movie scene: Singing in the rain, with Gene Kelly

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“I’m singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I’m happy again! … “

Well, I found myself singing in the rain too, happy again without any reason, unconditionally happiness, so maybe some of the transients thought I was crazy! I must learn to be happy without draw attention.

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