Almost ten years ago, I have to start a inner travel, an exploration of my self.
“Have” to start, because it was a need, not a desire, being my mind a mess of chaotic, negative thoughts, blended with negative emotions, as usual in human being.
At first, a bit of mental control was the first station, a bit of inner calm, even while the outer environment was still dark; some months of daily trascendental meditation was the job, at least to some degree. Being the outer still bad, but feeling some inner peace, my motivation for explore my inner landscape increased, so a new phase started: what happens inside the mind? and why happens?
Then, my strong desires was “observed with magnifying glass“, the power of the mind focused, paying full attention, to that inner process, the arising of desires, and the construction of a inner frame made of a mess of thoughts and desires. And driving the focus, the will of discovery the inner mechanism of all. Was a careful exploration of the forces that make us want things and situations: reflective meditation. As a result, one day, suddenly, the desires that made me suffer through grieve and craving was full discovered, realized; as a result my mind was liberated from any desire. At first was not a good experience: living without desires was similar to live without vital energy, without fuel, but I learned to live in that way; I realized I still can enjoy of the little things of life: a hot cup of chocolate, the wind in my face, contemplate a beautiful landscape … things that still was a pleasure, so life was still a pleasure even without desires!
Calm settled in me, I can feel it clearly as a physical feeling in my chest. Sometimes desires still arise, for example seeing a nice car in the street (I was a fan of sportive cars in the past) but the desire vanished in seconds, unable to hold on to my mind, like the water is unable to wet a duck’s waterproof feathers. But the inner travel was not finished, next station: the mind itself.
Next years my mind was focused on my own mind, some part of them watching carefully to the rest. Old habits, thoughts, ideologies, opinions … all was observed with full attention, looking for the origin and mechanisms inside all. As a result, a state similar too the one achieved with desires: thoughts arises, but they have nothing for hold, sliding, arising and quickly disappearing on the scenery of my inner consciousness. Only will can produce perdurable thoughts, any “automatic” thought can’t endure more than a few seconds in the consciousness. At the same time a new “I” emerges, and “I” that is independent of any thought, an inner presence beyond thoughts and desires, stable, unalterable. That is the next station, the full realization of the Self.